Speaking the same language

Are you and your partner speaking the same language?  There's been a lot of chatter on a Mommy board I have been part of since my son was a babe about The Love Languages.  I would guess that 99% of the population knows about the Five Love Languages series of books, there's even love languages for kids and teens books now-what's next? Dogs and cats?  The basic premise is that the way we express love and need to receive love differs from person to person so you and your partner, in this case my husband Rene, may not be speaking the same language which can-understandably-lead to conflict, hurt feelings, missed opportunities and ultimately enough anger to keep that divorce rate ticking steadily up. 

I took the on line test and my primary language, as expected, was words of affirmation.  Kudo me! Kudo me! Kudo me!  For me though, it's not just random, hey you're looking hot today kudos.  I do not define myself by my appearance.  Do I appreciate a compliment when I've taken some time on my appearance?  Of course.  But it is not who I am.  How do I define myself?  By how well I take care of my family.  So where do I want to be fed?  In the caretaker realm of my life.  If I love you I feed you.  If you love me, tell me I fed you well!  I am a caretaker, a nurturer, the one to keep your plate full and your glass topped off with wine.  I love, love, LOVE being a mother.  Yes, they drive me crazy sometimes, but I cannot imagine a day without them.  When Paulo spends the night at his Grandma's I miss him.  It's usually less than 16 hours that he's gone but I miss him!  I don't like looking in his room and seeing his bed empty.  It's painful.  If I'm here, he should be here.  With Dimitri I had to get used to the empty bed.  It's always been that way for roughly half of the time due to the joint custody arrangement with Rene's ex wife.  But I still don't like it.  No one does.  The family is not complete when Dimitri is not home.  So for me, my cup needs to be filled in that arena.  Because, let's face it, taking care of others while rewarding is also draining.  It drains my emotional piggy bank dry some weeks. 

I was trying to explain all this to my husband last night-not sure how much he really gets, because we speak different languages.  See, his primary language is touch, he needs to take the full test though because I want to see where the rest of his percentages lie.  I told him last night that I think we should read the book.  By reading, I mean I should read the book and I'll have to get the audio version for him.  I love my husband, but that man hates to read-which I cannot understand in the least.  If you look at my nightstand right now I have not one but three books I'm in the process of reading.  I love books.  Love feeling it in my hands.  Love the smell.  Love the process of turning page after page filling my mind, feeding my soul.  He.....does not share my love.  OK then, audio book for Rene, book book for me.  So, off to my library website I go this morning and what do I find?  The library owns 8 copies of the book....they are all checked out at the moment....and there are 30 holds placed already.  HUH?!  Wow!  That's a lot of people speaking different languages.  I'm happy though that they are taking advantage of the wonderful library system we have, and hopefully improving their marriages in the process, but not so pleased I'm going to have buy the books if I want to read them before, say, Paulo starts high school!

Life does not go according to plan

I came to work today to find an email from the mother of one of Paulo's classmates.  She had forwarded an email from another classmate's family.  Come to find out that a healthy, vibrant, mother who I've spoken to many times, who has had my son over for a play date with her son, she suffered not one but two strokes last month.  Wow.  It really stunned me.  This is not something that I think about happening to my peer group. 

A stroke?  That doesn't happen to my peer group.  Of course I know it does.  It happens to all age brackets.  Strokes are not picky, they are not age specific.  They happen.  They sneak up on a person and change their life in the blink of an eye. 

Fortunately this woman's older children were there and noticed something was wrong with Mom-how terrifying for them!  They called 911 right away and she was whisked to OHSU which has a world renowned brain center.  She's been in a rehab facility for a few weeks and is due to come home soon-sooner than expected I might add.  She's made progress but there's no way to know how this will affect her in the long run. 

In the blink of an eye a family is forever altered.  They're a wonderful family.  A strong family.  She's a strong woman.  They have a lot of positives going for them, but this will still change their family.  And it's all so unexpected. 

We plan for so much in life but the big stuff, the big life altering events, we cannot plan for those.  We just have to be prepared to roll with the punches, and that to me is scary.  I like to be in control.  But there's only so much I can control.  I can stay healthy, I can eat right, exercise and watch my sodium intake but another driver can miss a stop sign, and forever change my family.  There is only so much I can control. 

Knowing this happened to one of my son's classmate's Mom, one of my peer group, shakes me up.  I cannot imagine how scared that little dude must be to see his Mom like that.  How hard it must be for all of them.  She's strong though.  I have faith that she will recover, but it will take time.  In the meantime it makes me want to kiss my babies more.  It reminds me not to sweat the small stuff-cause this is huge, this is really huge stuff they're dealing with.  I'm also reminded that, while I'm not in control of the world, I'm not in control of when or how I die, I am in control of a lot and I need to let that empower me, to let that be my focus, to guide me and encourage me.  And I need to go kiss my babies.

Made it through

Every time I quit caffeine I have 24-36 hours of pain.  I **think** I've made it through relatively unscathed.  Now I need to figure out how to balance my love of a good cup of coffee with my need to remain, well, balanced. 

After this week of no alcohol, no meat and no caffeine I'm starting to feel normal again.  I find it interesting how foods and drinks affect my sense of well being so deeply.  I never made the connection until recently.  I mean, yes, I've always known we are what we eat but food really makes a difference in my mood and overall state of mind.  And it's not like I've been starving myself this week, quite the contrary!  Last night we feasted on a big tossed salad with homemade vinaigrette and then the main course was polenta topped with sauteed red onion, asparagus, mushroom, artichoke hearts and kalamata olives.  For the carnivores I added some crispy pancetta.  It was quite a tasty dinner, I impressed myself!  Truth is, I really, really like food.  I just struggle with balance-which is my recurring theme to this life I think.  Balance.  The search for it.  The struggle with it.  The loss of it.  The renewed search...struggle....trying not to lose it again. 

I'm heading into the weekend and this weekend I have some dinners planned.  Dinners out that is.  Dinners with darling friends that often bring out the worst in my pendulum, well one friend does anyway, he's quite the encourager if you know what I mean.  I've already discussed this with myself though, I will enjoy my dinner out.  I will allow for a glass or two of wine, but no more.  And no hard alcohol.  Which is unfortunate considering we're going to a restaurant famous for their tequila.  On Sunday we have dinner planned at my in laws for my coming birthday.  Again, I will stick with my vino, which seems much kinder to my psyche than hard alcohol, although I'm not sure why.  I will remain conscious in my choices.  I will remain in charge.  I will remain balanced.  I owe it to myself.  Balance should be wrapped up in a pretty bow and be my birthday gift to myself I think.

I want.....

A latte.  Perhaps even a double latte.  The caffeine withdrawal headache has kicked in to high gear.  The lovely cup of green tea is not doing shit.  Neither is the advil.

The annoying thing?  Knowing I let myself get addicted, again, to caffeine.  I know I just need to tough it out for a few more hours.  It'll pass, it always does. 

Oh and on a somewhat unrelated side note, apparently I look dehydrated.  I was at New Seasons wandering their beauty products aisle-probably looking totally lost-when a sweet, young girl-with perfect skin- asked if she could help.  Why yes, I said, I'm looking for a new face cleanser, one without yucky stuff in it, that will be gentle on my skin.  We talked a bit more about price and if I thought my skin was dry or not.  No I told her, actually I'm prone to break outs depending on my cycle.  Oh she says....you look a little dehydrated.  Ouch, not generally used to describe one that is looking healthy huh?  I left with a lovely new facial cream cleanser, I'll try it out, if I like it I might buy myself the matching lotions.  And then I came back to work and drank more water.

Coffee is my gateway drug

It's day two.  Day two of no coffee in the morning.  It's also day two of no added sugars and no alcohol.  I did a two week anti inflammation diet/cleanse in March during which I cut alcohol, sugar, meat and caffeine from my food supply.  I felt really good-once the initial body shock wore off.  Since then I've tried to maintain my reduced caffeine intake, but I've noticed it creeping up.  And as it crept up, with an extra cup here, a latte there or a diet coke here and there, I've noticed my sense of well being tick down....down......down.

Creeping up along side it was sugar and alcohol.  Now those two go hand in hand for me.  When I have a couple of drinks I crave sugar.  It's insane.  I find myself standing in my pantry, seemingly not in control of my hands, shoveling handfuls of mini marshmellows into my mouth.  I want sugar, in any form, and lots of it.  Then the crash comes, both from my body burning off the booze and from the massive sugar dump into my blood and that's when I really feel like crap.  I get bitchy too!  No fun for anyone!

So I decided on Monday that enough was enough.  I needed to rein it back in.  I need to remind my drugs (and yes I do consider sugar a drug) just who is in charge here!  Uh, who is in charge?  Oh yeah, me.  Sure...I'm in charge....I'm in charge....hey, I am in charge.  Yesterday when I got up I made my tea while I made Rene's coffee.  I didn't miss the coffee-much.  Although by 8:00 or so at night I had a headache, might have been related to the missing caffeine, might just have been a headache.  The boys had sweets for dessert during Wipe Out, I did not.  Frankly I was full from dinner, but sometimes full or not I am not able to say no to a cookie.  And, most importantly, I went to sleep early.  That's a tough one for me too.  That's another thing that I've noticed.  I've been sleeping less, which is very very bad for me. 

This week I am returning the focus to my health and well being.  I will take better care of myself by eating well.  I will sleep more.  I will *try* to relax-that's been tough for me too lately, pretty much since May I've been tense.  I think some of that is just psychic tension, May-4 years ago was really tough on me, then June-4 years ago my Mom died.  And July is my birthday and honestly I'm always tense around my birthday, I need to work on that, I know I do, but it's hard.  So pretty much from May-July I have all these emotional triggers that pop up at random times and derail me.  I've not really been conscious of that before, but now that I am I think next year can be different.  I feel like I've been on auto pilot, just trying to get through it all, but when you go on auto pilot life happens to you, you don't happen to life and that's not the way I want to live. 

For today though I will continue my narrow focus, no caffeine, no sugar, no alcohol until I feel better inside.

Mommy's flub

I'm so frustrated.  To make matter worse, I'm frustrated with...myself.  Paulo has suffered through 7 days with no allergy meds.  Why?  So he could get his blood draw done today and be tested for food allergies.   It's gotten progressively worse for his poor nose.  We're neti-potting both at bedtime and first thing in the morning.  The poor little dude can hardly breathe when he wakes, he's so plugged up.

Last night I went to my purse to get the paperwork for the lab.....where's my paperwork?  Don't know.  I put the print out my naturapath gave me that told me where to go today in my planner.  The lab paperwork though?  MIA.  The lab can't do anything without the order from the doc.  I had brought the papers with me to work last Thursday so I could call the lab and ask about drug interactions.  I swear I put the damn papers in my planner...yet they obviously are not there.  I start to panic.  Around 9:00 my husband volunteers to go check my desk at the shop since if they aren't in my purse-which I've emptied multiple times-then they must be at the office right?  I must have left them on my desk right??  Wrong.  Rene drives all the way to work, getting stuck in construction traffic in Tigard, checks my desk, my drawer where I put my personal crap, sorts through my piles o'paperwork, nothing.  No lab order.  Drives all the way back home, getting stuck again in construction traffic, we continue looking high and low, nothing.  No lab order.  Panic.....

We get up early today and I bribe my sleepy son with promise of breakfast out to compensate for the unholy hour I've woken him up.  He's not happy, but the bribe works.  He's up, we neti-because again the poor kid cannot breathe in the morning-get dressed and hit the road.  Stop for a lovely breakfast, just the two of us, then go to the shop for one last look.  My last ditch effort, check my recycling bin.  Maybe, just maybe, I recycled it.  Fortunately my bin is big and doesn't need to be emptied everyday.  I pull up and am greeted at the door by Rene with a sad face and a shaking head, nope, not there either, he checked this morning.  Panic.  Naturally I needed to paw through it myself, just to be sure.  Nothing.  No lab order.   Where the F is this thing?!?  I mean really?  Where is it?!  I have no idea where the damn thing disappeared to.  I call my doc's office, they're not open, leave a panicked voice mail on the phone and set off to find the National College of Natural Medicine which, by the way, is almost impossible to find.  I'm from Portland and I was driving in circles until I finally, by dumb luck, found the sign pointing me to turn right.  So at this point, I'm pissed I lost the paperwork and I'm frustrated that I am lost, in my hometown. 

We arrive, wander the grounds for a few minutes until we find the clinic-Paulo by the way is still treating this as an adventure.  Go in and go back to the lab only to be told, as expected, there's nothing we can do without the lab order.  We walk away and I lose it.  I am not a crier.  But I was so frustrated this morning I sat in my car and cried.  We sat there for about a half hour in case Kelly got the message and was able to fax over the order to the clinic and we sat there so I could sniffle in relative safety.  Driving through tears while blowing ones nose is not the safest thing to do!  Finally I gave up and drove my son to his Grandma's.  At this point, it ceased to be an adventure.  Paulo realized that without the blood work he still can't take the Claratin and now...now he's pissed.  Who's he pissed at?  Me.  I would be too if I were him. 

Come to find out though all my panic was for nothing.  I called the lab back to reschedule for his blood work and the nice lady that saw me panic this morning told me that regardless of the paperwork they would not have been able to take his blood today.  You see, when I made the appointment last week no one asked what lab my son's blood was going to.  It's going to a lab up in Washington.  Apparently they only take blood going to that particular lab on Monday through Thursday.  That is so they can over night the blood to the lab during the work week.  This makes sense.  I get the logic.  I wish I'd thought to tell them where my baby's blood was going when I made the appointment.  I certainly won't make that mistake again.

The other mistake I won't make again?  Procrastinating.  The irony is not lost on me, I, the one that constantly nags my teenager not to procrastinate, waited until the last possible moment to check my paperwork for Paulo's appointment.  And what happened?  Damn paperwork was not where I was sure I had left it.  I was positive it was in my planner.  I suspect though this episode of missing paperwork is closely tied to my June fog.   I'm trying to cut myself some slack, Rene keeps telling me it's not the end of the world, but he's not the one that lost the freaking papers.  Nor is he the one that was so frustrated that she said "I don't know where the fucking papers are!" to her mother in law.  Yes, the f bomb slipped right out of the hanger and dropped right onto my pretty, polite and proper Mother in Law's ears.  Nice, real charming, huh?  It's been quite a day, folks, I'd like to go back to bed and press restart.

Emerging from the fog

June passed.  I'm grateful.

It was an insanely busy month.  Paulo and I took a trip to Canada for my friend's wedding.  We had trips to OMSI, the end of the school year festivities, Father's Day trips to the movies, out of town guests and of course the big surprise party.  And let's not forget the day to day of running a business and maintaining a home.

The month was a blur.  I look back over it and it feels foggy.  Like it happened to someone else.  I am emerging from the fog though.  I feel clearer, more capable, more focused.  Which is good, because July really isn't any less busy than June was! 

Need to remember to slow down the mind.  That was a tough thing in June.  The racing mind.  The faster the mind went the less I got done though.  Slow....it......down.....  One day at a time, right?  One crisis at a time, right?  How about no crisis?  That sounds good to me!