Growing up is hard to do

Empathy: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.
Kindness: The quality or state of being kind.
Respect: To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
These are three things that I have always felt Paulo had in abundance. He feels things. He loves deeply. When another child is hurting or upset, he wants to help. He still remembers the little girl at preschool that had separation anxiety, when she’d cry; Paulo would run to her cubby to fetch her blankie. Last year, when a classmate’s pet died, Paulo went to him to tell him how sorry he was about the loss and offered him comfort. He’s a very, very sweet soul.
I worry about that sweet soul being trampled to dust in school. I want to shelter him from any and all unkindness and I hate it when I can’t.
Last week a classmate said something mean to him, told him he was stupid-actually he told another boy to tell my son he was stupid-bullying by proxy perhaps? This is a sadly familiar situation; in Kindergarten he had a similar conflict with two tablemates. I had to ask he be moved away from those boys. When Paulo shared his story last week with two of his Kindergarten buddies one of those boys told my son that “pretty much everyone” hated him in Kindergarten. Ugh! Cut to the quick! That hurts. Words hurt. You cannot erase something cruel once it’s said it’s out there, forever, and held in the heart for good.
We talked about this situation from a number of different angles. First being the boy that called him stupid, number one, are you?  No. You’re not. You’re extremely bright.  Number two, children say mean things looking for your reaction. If you allow yourself to get upset, angry, cry, etc., then that fuels the fire so to speak, so it’s best to practice your bored face and walk away. If this boy cannot be kind to you then avoid him, there’s no need to play with a child that is going to turn around and say something cruel. I told him if he felt compelled to he can tell this boy that he really wants to be friends (because despite being insulted by this child he wants to have him over for a playdate to try to make friends), but he cannot be if he’s going to be mean to him. I know the teacher was involved in the situation and Paulo tells me there have been no more conflicts-yet.

The second part, the whole everyone hated you bit, we looked at from a logic stand point. I asked him to name the children that he knew liked him and he rattled off about 10 names off the top of his head. To which I pointed out that was over 50% of his Kindergarten class, therefore this boy was obviously mistaken. I’ve tried to instill in him that not everyone will like him, and he will not like everyone in his class, but I expect there to be common courtesy and respect. We also talked about how to be a good friend, showing respect, courtesy, caring, listening, etc. The thing is, he knows how to be a good friend, but sometimes I feel like his classmates need a few lessons.
Yesterday he had a rough day. He was very emotional at bedtime and cried in my arms worrying that he’s not doing well, that he is not fitting in, and he’s lonely in school because the boys that he really bonded with last year are not in his class this year. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. And sometimes I wish I could just keep him home, shelter him from all cruelty, and home school him! I would love a Mommy Magic Wand to wave and take away all his fears and insecurities. It would be great if that same wand could instill some empathy and kindness into the hearts of his classmates. I worry about my boy’s sweet soul, I do not want him to lose his empathy-there’s a shocking lack of it in our society today, but at the same time I want him to be able to protect his heart, to thicken his skin a bit so to speak, so that the cruel words that slip from others mouths so easily do not become part of his identity. It’s a delicate balance, keeping the heart open to others yet not an easy target. This growing up stuff….it’s tough.