My 2010 Resolution was to seek balance. I'm not a balanced person, I am an all or nothing. I work out constantly...then I get sidelined for weeks at a time. I eat super healthy all week....then overindulge on the weekend and end up staring at 5 extra pounds every Monday. I micromanage every penny in the bank account....then I stick my head in the sand and ignore it. That one usually bites me in the butt. So my promise to myself in 2010 was to work on my balance. We're 22 days into 2010 and I've already failed that one a few times. Ohhh, failed, such a harsh word isn't it? Have I failed? I can think of two instances for sure that I knew what I should do but did the opposite. So, what is that? A 9% fail rating? Let's round it up for arguments sake and say 10%. 10% of the time I'm not being true to myself and doing what I know is best for me. So, over the course of a year at least two to three times per month I'm going to be let myself down. Then the anger kicks in. At myself of course. It lasts approximately 4 days. So, we've got the one day indiscretion and the four days of self loathing, which frankly often lead to additional indiscretion(s) in the form of staying up too late or having an extra after work cocktail with the hubs...or two.. and a few more days of kicking myself, so really am I looking at spending 30-35% of my life angry.....at myself?? But let's face it, if Momma is angry at anyone-including herself-everyone feels it! All snowball effect from me not being adult enough to do the right thing. Yikes. I've never really looked at the math before, and really, I think I'm being generous in my self assessment. Ouch.
So, what do I need to get it done? You know what I wish I had? A Mommy. Mine died. Even before she died though she wouldn't have been coming over to take care of me. Still, I wish I had a Mommy...or a wife. I could use an extra wife! Especially around the holidays! I often feel like I work two jobs, one a full time job, the other a 24/7 job. Leaving our shop and driving home is just commuting from one job to another. Seriously though I know what I need to do, so why is it so hard? Am I really just as emotionally immature as my children? I'd like to think I was a little more evolved but man, sometimes I am not sure.
I'm going to make a public pledge to myself here and now:
I promise to get no less than 7 hours of sleep per night!
I promise to drink no more than 2 drinks at any given time
Oh, I think you are being too hard on yourself. What you are describing is that you want to be what you see as a perfect version of yourself. But to me "perfection" is kind of boring. And it isn't YOU. No one is perfect and that is ok. That is what makes us all imperfectly perfect. What your therapist said to me is a load of crapadoodle. That is something to be said to a person with a problem. A drinking problem. A drug problem. A gambling problem. You are not that person. Having *gasp* three drinkings or having an extra dessert on the weekends is indulging and that is fine. You are a hard working mom. You take care of everyone. Paulo, Dimitri, Rene, your friends and family who are lucky enough to eat your wonderful food and spend hours in your company. I think that kind of love and commitment is worth an extra drink. You say you fail 10%? Well, my love. Like is a 90/10 deal. Be as good as you can 90% of the time and 10% be a little naughty. All about balance. And you have that. Ask Mama Botfish if you ever need to be reassured. I've got your back.
ReplyDeleteAh my friend I know you'll always have my back. Unfortunately my toes dip into the alchoholic end of the gene pool. My mother and my paternal grandfather both. I just have to be aware of the effect it has on me, I don't want to get to the point where I can't enjoy a glass or wine or two, I just have to avoid drinking the bottle!
ReplyDeleteI applaud you seeking balance. I, like you, tend to be all-or-nothing. Exercise regularly, then do nothing. Eat great, then pig out. But I know that life is a continuum....black-and-white will only let you down, that we have to live in shades of gray.
ReplyDeleteGet your sleep, and cut down your wine. That is a great start. And cut yourself some slack. You are doing an amazing job raising your family, being a great wife, and a terrific friend. You can't be perfect all the time. Just impossible.