Happiness-what does that mean?

Happiness, what does that look like?  What does it mean?  Would I know it if I saw it?  Felt it? Touched it?  I'm not sure.

There seem to be some people that are inherently happy, I envy those people.  I spent last Saturday evening watching one of those people.  A family friend, she was throwing her hubby's 50th birthday and she looked happy.  She always looks happy, every time I see her, seriously.  To be fair I don't see her that much but every single time I see her she has a genuine smile on her face that reaches her eyes.  That's the kicker for me, does the smile reach the eyes or is it just a muscle reaction of the lips?  I envy her and I wonder what is it that makes it come, seemingly, easy to her yet be such a struggle for me? 

There were a few things that came to mind as I watched her, for starters she has a tight group of friends.  It was very apparent that the women who were there celebrating mattered deeply to her and her to them.  That's so important.  I've been blessed with some really great friends, unfortunately we're scattered to the four corners.  We do what we can to support each other but it's rather difficult to pour each other a glass of wine or go get a mani/pedi together-it takes planning...and airfare....I also have some really great friends here at home but life gets in the way and we just don't pour that wine or paint those toes often enough.  Along the friends line I noticed that her friends circle consisted not just of her friends and his friends but their friends.  I would love to have that, a group of married people that both Rene and I get along with, we have a few-but again we just don't see them very often.  Life gets in the way.

I also had the very distinct impression that she's living truthfully.  She's living honestly to her core beliefs, values and priorities.  What you see is what you get and again, I envy that.  I spent much of my childhood keeping who I was tightly under wraps, it's a hard habit to break.  I've never felt able to just let it all hang out, all my hopes, fears, insecurities and quirks, I still don't.  This woman seems to live life as an open book, hiding nothing. 

I'm not quite sure what I'm searching for to be honest.  When I sit back and look at my life objectively I don't have much to complain about.  My children are healthy, my home is open and inviting, our business is doing well I just feel like there's something...missing...and that's a hard thing to live with.  The feeling that there is something just not quite right.  That I'm missing my chance to live a joyful life, to live truthfully, and I'm not sure what to do about it but I know I want to do something.  I want my son to see his mother happy, I have so few memories of my own mother expressing happiness-true, honest, soul vibrating happiness.  I want him to live life truthfully and joyfully and for him to do that he needs to see me do it, I am his first teacher, and I want to be a better one. 

I'm a work in progress, I can only hope those around me are patient.  Perhaps I need to walk around with an "under construction" sign on my back.  I have work to do.  It's time.