Absolutes

Paulo told me today as we were driving to school that "everyone hates me" at his school. My how those words bring instant fear and pain to a Momma's heart! Of course I know, in my logical self, that everyone does not hate my son. Anytime we speak in terms of absolutes, "everyone" and "nobody", "always" and "never", we are not speaking the truth. It's like the old argument with the husbands of America "you NEVER do any housework!" Now really, never? Come on, even the most slovenly male lifts a pinkie now and again and he will use those few and far between times to shoot holes in your statement. When we use that absolute of never we shut down the lines of communication.

But back to my son and his Kindergarten dilemma. I asked him why he thought that. And he told me that two specific boys in his class, who shall remain nameless, hate him. Between you and me, he might be right there, but as I explained to him that doesn't really have anything to do with him. Sometimes people have so many other things going on in their lives that they are simply not able to be your friend. After that I asked him what about *insert child's name here*? Don't you play with him? Oh yeah he says, I guess that person doesn't hate me! No baby, that child does not hate you, in fact he likes you enough to come to your birthday party next weekend. I reminded him to try to focus his attention on the positives. Look at how many children you can call a friend. Those two boys that have their own struggles to deal with, maybe those two boys don't like you (or anyone!) right now, but that does not mean "everyone" hates you. In fact, if the teacher is to be trusted (and I truly think she is) then my son is very well loved. It's amazing to me though that at the age of 5 he's struggling with his sense of self worth. Those TWO boys out of 20, he's allowing those TWO to define him? Oh no, I don't think so! I understand the human need to be loved though and it is just so easy to focus on the negative. We have to have reminders to look at the flip side. And leave the absolutes where they belong, math class.

But what is my role in all this? I reminded him of how many children he does play with. I tell him countless times a day that he is loved and appreciated. I encourage him to play fairly and with kindness. I encourage his empathy and sense of responsibility. It still stings though to hear your child say he thinks that he's not liked at school. That's my single biggest residual fear from childhood. I was a lonely child, I didn't have deep friendships, and I feel terrified that my child could experience that pain. But I have to remember this is not my childhood! He is not me. His life is miles away from my own childhood. His path is going to be so very different than my own. I have to quiet my own psychic scars so that they do not become his. He is not me.

The journey of Motherhood is not an easy one. There are so many land mines. So many opportunities to mess up. I hope though that my sweet, sensitive, boy can grow up with a strong sense of who he is and how much I adore him. I worry that he'll feel pain but at the same time I know he has to experience all of the bumps and bruises of growing up and sometimes, like with those boys, someone won't like you.