The end of fairies

Last night as I lay snuggling with Paulo he asked me to say our prayer.  My son has had trouble with nightmares.  As a soother I made up a special prayer that essentially asks that God watch over Paulo, keep him safe and take his worries, burdens and nightmares from his mind.  It comforts him and, cute enough, almost every night I say the prayer he yawns in the exact same spot. 

He had a few extra words of his own to add after I was done and then he asked me a question.  Is God only in your imagination?  Uh.....well...insert awkward pause here...honestly I struggled with how to answer that question.  We're not a Church family.  I consider myself to be spiritual but not "religious".  Still though I do think that there is some sort of higher power and I do believe in spirits and reincarnation.  So I told him that I personally do not believe that God is only in my imagination, but that some people do think that-and it's ok for their beliefs to differ from mine.  He, sweetly enough, accepts what I say to him about faith.  Which, to be honest, scares the crap out of me sometimes!  It's a lot of pressure for someone who is shaky in her own faith to explain it to a bright, inquisitive, 6 year old.  For instance he asked me a couple weeks ago what God looked like.  Does God look like a man or a woman?  I told him I think neither.  When I think of God I picture pure, beautiful, warm, white light.  Just think of the world love and then see it as a light, that's what I see in my mind's eye.  It's gauzy, it's calm, you want it to envelope you.  I told him that night that many people do believe that God looks like a human man and that in some religions there are Goddess that look like human women but that for me, I picture light.  He told me that night that he believes in me and my answer.  It's a lot of pressure.

A few minutes of quiet snuggling passes and then he drops another Q-Bomb.  I believe in fairies, he tells me, OR DO YOU JUST PUT MONEY UNDER MY PILLOW WHEN I LOSE A TOOTH? Oh, no, no, no!  Momma is not ready for that!  He asked me last night if the tooth fairy was real!  And challenged me to tell him the truth, I just want to know the truth he said.  I could not stop laughing.  I asked him why he asked that?  What had he heard?  He said nothing, but that he just wanted to know the truth.  Honestly, I couldn't bring myself to straight lie to him or tell him the 100% truth-1/2 truth is still a lie though I know.  I told him if he doesn't believe in the Tooth Fairy then she won't believe in him, which is the same thing I tell him about Santa Claus.  He laughed along with me last night, so I suspect he knows the truth but is sparing me the agony of flat out telling me I'm the Tooth Fairy.  So in effect he's telling me a 1/2 truth too, like mother like son.  I also asked him if it would matter to him if the Tooth Fairy was real or if it was Momma?  No he said, as long as he gets his $1.

I'm not ready for him not to believe in magic.  I'm not ready for him not to really believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.  The Easter Bunny has never been a big character in our family dance, I think he knows I'm the one that fills his Easter basket.  But Santa?  Oh yes, Santa's a big deal in our house, last year though he started asking more questions.  How does Santa go to all the houses?  How does he fit in the chimney?  How does he eat all those cookies and not get sick?  We decided he must have a magic tummy on that last one.  But really, I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of.  This is a boy that can commit to living in a fantasy world, playing make believe like nobody's business.  Would that change somehow when he learns that Santa is not a flesh and blood man?  Not likely.  Would it really harm him to know the truth?  No.  Does it harm him for me not to tell him the truth when he asks?  I don't know.  Does it?  Does his asking for the truth mean he's ready for it?  Or does it mean he heard something from the kids at school?  I don't know when I stopped believing in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, it obviously was not a traumatic experience.  As the youngest of 4 it's amazing that there was ever a time when I did believe in them, my big brothers would likely have used the info to torture me in some way.  For now though, I will stick to my if you don't believe in Santa then he won't believe in you, complete with a wink-wink for good measure.