The moral compass

If there's no threat of punishment or consequence do you do the right thing anyway?

This was my commute topic of conversation with my 14 year old son yesterday. It all started out very differently. I had busted him for texting during class. His father and I got him a fancy pants phone for Christmas and put him on our cell phone plan. One of the reasons I went along with this plan was the knowledge that I would be able to monitor his usage online-thank you T Mobile! I let it go for a while to see how he'd do. Not surprisingly I found a lot of incoming and outgoing texts on his log when he should have been dutifully listening to his hard working teachers. No, I cannot read what he's texting I can only see that he is in fact sending and receiving a text or picture or using the Internet during class times-which we'd told him was strictly forbidden...dun dun dun, busted.

I asked him if he knew why I was upset about this and he thought it was because he'd be distracted from the lesson. True, much like Pavlov's dog can't resist the bell, Dimitri cannot resist checking his phone when it vibrates. However that was not my main concern with the classroom texts. It's just the fact that it is plain rude. It's disrespectful to his teachers. I cannot get past the rude factor. These are men and women who are working a thankless job and should be paid attention to! But the technology of the moment has made everything so darn immediate. We operate under the rule of instant gratification. OH! I had a thought, I have to share it right this second! No you don't! Someone texted me, if I don't text back I'll be rude...bit of a conflict there eh? You're rude if you don't respond to your friend but you're even ruder if you text during a lecture.

I asked him why he thinks it's ok and the response I got was something along the lines of everyone does it. The fact that Timmy, Susie and Bobby all text their buddies during math does not make it ok! That high road is a lonely, but satisfying, place try taking it sometimes. I put him on official notice that I would be monitoring the log and I expected no more texts during class time. He should not even be texting me, his Dad or his Mother! There is nothing so important that it cannot wait until lunch time or after school. Unless you're texting to tell me that the school has been invaded by aliens and you're being attacked....save it for later!

We started our journey to school that morning and I drove along pondering what I'd heard. Then I had a question, I prefaced it by telling him this was a real question, I'm honestly curious about the answer: are you aware when you're texting in class that what you are doing is wrong? Sometimes, he says...sometimes?

So, sometimes you know you're doing the wrong thing but that is not enough to alter your behavior? Yeah....yeah?

I'm telling you this was a fascinating glimpse into the developing teenage mind!

Why? Uh...I don't know-typical 14 year old boy response. I asked him if it was because there's no real threat of punishment, nothing happens in the classroom when kids text-which I personally think is ridiculous, if I were a teacher I would have a drawer FULL of confiscated cell phones! And while, as he says, they can take the phone away, he's never actually seen it happen-therefore it is theoretical, it's too abstract, this hypothetical punishment, so it's not enough to keep him on the straight and narrow when faced with the siren's call of an incoming text message.

I asked him then, if there's no threat of consequence what prevents us from breaking the law? For instance, if there was no chance of getting caught, would he cheat on a test? After much hemming and hawing he admitted he would. Especially if the test counted for a large % of his grade. Why, I asked-I was channeling my inner preschooler and asking Why? Why? Why? He said that he would be motivated by the grade, that he would want the good grade. So, I asked him if the end justifies the means? As an example, if I am sure I won't get caught cheating on my taxes to get more money back is it still wrong to cheat on my taxes? Yes, he says, because I'd be stealing money. Well I told him he'd be stealing ideas if he cheats on the test. He asked me a question of his own then. He asked, what if the other kid lets him cheat? Still wrong I say. Both parties have a responsibility to do the right thing. If you are offered stolen property and then get caught with that stolen property you can get in trouble along with the thief, possession of stolen property, no fun. Both parties have a moral obligation to do the right thing.

I must say though I feel confident that real life Dimitri will not cheat on his tests because he's well aware of what the real life consequences would be!

We ended the conversation as we pulled in front of his high school with a chat about the moral compass. That thing that keeps us on the straight and narrow regardless of the lack of consequences for breaking the rules. That inner voice that tells you when you're crossing the line. The angel on the shoulder that guides you through the moral and ethical tests of life. Listen to that voice...follow your compass...take the high road. I reassured him that this was all a natural part of growing up, learning to navigate the moral and ethical questions of life. A part of the maturing process that all kids go through during their teenage years and told him to have a great day. I can honestly say though that 14 is my favorite age so far for him! We're able to discuss these more complex issues not only about morality and ethics but religion too and it is fascinating. I love watching him grow up in front of my eyes and evolve into a young man. One that does have a developing moral compass and one that I hope will continue to tune into that compass as the issues he faces get more and more complicated. So for all of you raising young boys, just wait, the teenage years are great!

As a side note, I did watch the log yesterday and he got a single incoming text during class and to his immense credit he did NOT respond! I made sure to tell him he did well and that I appreciated his effort.